Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”