Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid