[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever