@Book_Krazy

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

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@ComedicBust

[Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..

@shariv67

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

@mochanya

Just watched a commercial…How is it possible that the side effect for asthma medication is shortness of breath?

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@AngelaEhh

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

@panmidwest

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

@Darlainky

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

@papasuncle

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

@graceful_asfuck

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!