Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..
Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
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They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Just watched a commercial…How is it possible that the side effect for asthma medication is shortness of breath?
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!