Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

Holy moly

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.