Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.