Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.