[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet