Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
You Might Also Like
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
The struggle is real.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”