Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
I put the h in mysterious.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.