Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.