*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
You Might Also Like
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
haha same
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”