Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

going to the ER y’all need anything

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

New comic up. “Ransom”

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.