Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.