*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
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Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Every time.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
happy mother’s day❤️
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.