Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”