*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Happy Halloween 🎃
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?