*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?