*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
my proudest tweet
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
