Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?