Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.