Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough