Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

Otters see a butterfly.

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything