Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
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There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!