[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Birds & Planes.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube