Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Erm…

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?