@SteveSuckington

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

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@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@lacybronze1

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@daemonic3

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

@thedad

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

@pplwtching

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

@sixfootcandy

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

@hamspamtymaam

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

@jimmy_sharpe

Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.