[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI