[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

You Might Also Like


I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.


Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me


Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.


[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!


son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526


You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?



Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*


Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.


Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.


Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.