I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.
Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.