Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?