[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
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Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
True
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
WWE is French for “yes”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.