@ClichedOut

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

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@MoneypennyNaked

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

@Reverend_Scott

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

@DanMentos

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

@MableGertrude

If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.

@myonlymizztake

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

@DothTheDoth

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

@LlamaInaTux

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

@ArfMeasures

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

@DraggingFeeties

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

@F5X11

I send flowers “From Steve” to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn