Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.