Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

why would tinder want me to say this

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”