Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Cannot stop laughing at this

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

guilty

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

sugar glider wrangler

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems