Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
ACED my prostate exam!
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
me when i see my girls butt
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.