[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up