Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”