[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
adding to the discourse
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
When news reporters do sports stories
I beg your pardon?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.