Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.