[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
God has abandoned us.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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