[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
PARKOUR
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.