[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.