[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”