[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
These work great until they don’t.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.