Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please