Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

estão todos miauvindo?

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!