Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.