Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

#Thanos #MondayMood

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

#damn

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

When you’re here for the treats.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car