Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Autocorrect completely socks

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

A double negative is a big no-no.

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute