Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.