Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

That lamp looks PISSED.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented