introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
