introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.