introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]