Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Woke up against my better judgment again

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

My inexpensive home security system…

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

#Caturday