introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
remember
only for emergencies
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.