Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?