Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
You Might Also Like
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.