Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I love wikipedia
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.