[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Love this guy
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
broke down and did it
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
