[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
