[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
