Introverted vegans go meetless
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“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.