Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

Sorted

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

I’m not lazy

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.