Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam