Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
You Might Also Like
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
real
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”