Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
You Might Also Like
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
what do you want
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I have a black belt in leather
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids