Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

I have obtained a hat

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

The honesty is refreshing

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

applying for a new job