introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird