Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I hope they boil the right one.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”