Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
We have a winner.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect