Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”