[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I disagree with my politics
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.