Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
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Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Meeeee too!
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt