Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.