Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer