[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone