[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Noah
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.