[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
channeling her this year
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life