Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy