Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

Bill is short for Billiam

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.