Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#CatsOnTwitter

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Morning my dudes.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

About to throw up

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.