Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Just ordered me some pizza!

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.