My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Me: Miller Light