[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
12653.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.