@SortaBad

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

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@mamatomy3

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

@3sunzzz

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

@thetobbie

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

@thedad

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

@boom_goes_the

In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.

@BabetteJones

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

@JasonLastname

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

@NolaChef504

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

@3dog101

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

@amyjcordova

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light