Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.