[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING