[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Need this in my life lol
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Go hard or stay average
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT