Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Oddly specific

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

This hospital has everything

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…