Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”