[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.